Shaking and Surrender

Early on in quarantine, I had an interesting conversation with my mom. 

She said, “All of our crutches are being revealed right now...and many will be taken away.” 

It was a heavy statement, but it gave me relief. I finally had words for what was happening in my inner world. I rarely left the house, I was dizzy with free time, I was riding a new hobby euphoria, but I felt like I was falling. I felt completely tripped up. I felt unstable. 

For the nth time, my mother was right. Quarantine had revealed my crutches, and suddenly knocked several of them out from under me. 

My crutches included a whole host of serious and silly things that I used to get through the day. Across the spectrum, I experienced the staggering loss of so many security blankets. 

For a while, I gave into fear and condemnation. I clung to them with this certainty, “If I am scared enough, I will navigate this well. If I feel enough shame, I will be better.” 

Jesus did not let this mindset prosper. In fact, He revealed fear and condemnation for the deceptive roles they had played in my life. He revealed them as big ole, sturdy, stubborn, stupid...crutches. 

He said, “You cannot cling to these any longer. It actually breaks my heart when you try to walk with them. I did not give you these.” 

He made it clear that my next step, my only option, my safe place... is surrender. It is the natural position of falling. So, empty-handed, completely vulnerable, and out of control – I surrendered. 

I found refuge and rest in surrender. From that place, Jesus made me fit for the changes, exchanges, and challenges He had for me during quarantine. Jesus showed me what it means to work on myself from a place of rest. The difference is staggering. It feels like fighting a battle fully armed and standing up rather than swatting at flies from a swamp of fear and doubt. 

I am still learning to walk with these legs. I am building new muscles and mindsets. I fully expect more missteps and mirrors that will reveal my blind spots. But a significant shift has occurred. I no longer feel like I am walking through a haunted house of my inner world, waiting for the things that go bump in the night to reveal themselves. Rather, I am building a new house with Jesus and He is giving me the right tools at the right time to make progress on His plan. 

So, dear one, I empower you: 

Identify your crutches. Surrender them to God. Rejoice as you walk stronger than ever before.